A little about me:
I am a recovering alcoholic, and my sobriety date is January 23, 2013. This wouldn't be possible without the grace of God and my family.
I am 35 and married to my high school sweet heart.
I have 3 wonderful boys.
I was raised in a christian home with no real issues going on when I was growing up. There was a period of time where we were heavily in to going to church, praying and really focusing our lives on God. 1984 was the year. I know this because after we had fallen away from Christ, that my mom would keep reminding my dad of the year that was the best year of her life. My dad would work swing shift so I never knew if he was coming or going. My mom was a Christian, tried and true through it all. She never backed away from Christ. As a teen I remember my mom taking my brother and I to a few different churches. One in particular that really scared me. It was one of those eastern Kentucky back roads snake handling churches. I only went to that church once, thank God.
Growing up I was almost always known as "Danny's Brother." That really didn't bother me much. I was an introvert and didn't like to talk much so it was hard for me to make friends. You see, I looked up to my brother. He was the extrovert I wish I was. I loved and still love my brother very much. I remember we use to get in so much trouble at church goofing off. He always knew how to cheer me up. No matter what hard times I was going through.
In high school I wasn't much on dating. The ones I wanted to ask, I was too shy to ask and the ones that asked me I really didn't care for. That is until I met my "now" wife Dana. It was my sophomore year in high school when I met her.
I graduated High school at the age of 18 and joined the Army, again following in my brothers footsteps. During basic training I learned that my mom was sick and did all I could to receive a discharge from the Army. I regret that to this day. I hated that I didn't finish what I started. The Army gave me an uncharacterized discharge, so it was like I was never in the Army.
When I returned home I found that Dana was waiting for me with open arms, as was my family. I don't think I really got over the fact that I was a failure and didn't finish my duty.
A few months after getting back home my mom tells me that I need to call Dana NOW. When I called her she told me she was pregnant. I was excited and scared at the same time. I didn't know what to do. I knew the right thing to do is to marry her. Up until that point I didn't really think of marriage. I knew that I loved her, deeply. So, I did what most people would do and RAN!!! Just kidding, I bought a ring and took her to our special place. Got down on one knee in the snow and proposed to my wife. I knew that God meant for us to be together. We married May 16, 1997. She was 5 months pregnant when we were married. Wow, when she came around the corner wearing that dress, I almost passed out, she was so beautiful.
This is when I became what I consider to be a sophisticated wild child meaning that I could hold jobs and still be crazy. I started out just drinking, until I was introduced to mary j. I really didn't like the way it made me feel but I was around friends, my own friends (So I thought). I wanted to fit in. Then I started working for this one company that was off the hook. I was a telemarketer for a window company. My boss would smoke crack, weed and everything else in his office, my friends and I would smoke it with him as well.
This is where I was introduced to selling coke. The dollar sign possibilities were ringing in my head. I used my entire tax money that we had as a family to buy an eight ball to cut up and sell. Before I knew it we had already snorted half of it and was plotting schemes to cut it with flour.
That time in my live is now kind of a blur to me. I remember waking up many a times not knowing where I was. At someones house, in a car, back at my house not knowing how I got back. God, how did I make it out of that alive!!! In the process, my wife was at home taking care of our, now 3 boys.
At the age of 24 I decided the wreck-less life was over. It was time to calm down. I left that job and did away with everything except alcohol. I landed a job working in a medium security prison. I thought, hey what better way to elude trouble than to be a correctional officer.
My mom died when I was 25. She was 48 years old. I fell in to a deep depression and shut everyone out of my life including my brother and my wife. For years I felt like I was going through the motions of life. I told myself that I could function fine with alcohol as long as I stick to beer only and as long as I only drink after 5pm. This seem to work fine for a while. My wife and I would fight a lot but I thought that was normal. I would yell at the kids for misbehaving, and the kids would hear my wife and I constantly fighting. I would make empty promises to my wife saying that I was going to quit drinking and would end up drinking again.
After working at the prison, I decided it was time for a career change. I always liked playing on computers and fixing them. For some reason, it always made sense to me. I went back to school and got a degree for Computer network Engineer. Surprisingly I graduated within the top of my class with a 3.75. Partly I think is because I knew how to manipulate the teachers to get the grade I wanted. Oh what tangled web we weave... I still learned quite a bit from a particular teacher that I had for most of my computer classes.
I actually received a job in my field before I graduated. Due to my drinking it wasn't long before I lost that job as well. I went through a few other jobs up until now. I finally landed a job where I can make my own hours. Finally, my mind stated, now I can become a functioning alcoholic without the side effects.
Backtracking a little bit in this story I accepted Jesus as my personal savior at the age of 7, yep you guessed it!! 1984!! Through all of this I realize now that God was right there by my side. I don't know how, I know I'm not worthy enough!! Over the years I knew I shouldn't be drinking. I would try and quit without success. I've tried AA, but was quickly turned off when one of the guys was trying to encourage me by telling me that my higher power could be anything I wanted it to be, and to F--k religion. That truly stirred my soul!! I thought hey, I'm in the wrong place, so what do I do? Yep, back to drinking.
I went through a vicious cycle in 2012 of going through anxiety. I found that drinking would take that anxiety away. The cycle would encompass drinking in the evening time and by morning, begging God to take this drink from me. I knew I was going down hill and quick.
Excerpt from my written Journal:
1/22/12
We'll, last night I finished 11th of the 12 beers and poured the last one down the drain. I called and wept to my brother, Danny. He took me through some words of wisdom that helped me. I am not continually crucifying Christ with my drinking, he has already been crucified. For as long as I am alive on this earth, then I am a slave to this sinful flesh, but my mind will not be. I need to stay in the word and find a few close christian friends I can open up to. I pray God will bring me some.
Out of the blue, on January 23, 2013 my brother comes over because he felt that God wanted him to come and help me through all of this once and for all. I wasn't ready to stop drinking but God was ready for me to.
He told me about a group called Friends of Sinners at his church and connected me with Roger. This encounter broke open a floodgate of Christ centered brothers that I am glad to call my friends today. This outpouring of love, true Christ driven love came straight from God. I had been sober for the longest time since I was 19. This was also a confusing time I think.
As I went to Celebrate recovery meetings and reading the Bible I was beginning to realize that Christ was working in me. There was a weekend event called REC which meant Residents Encounter Christ. This was a weekend retreat from 8am to 8pm for 3 days. It was amazing. It truly kickstarted my heart to reading God's word. That's where a friend of mine told me about an upcoming event called "The Walk to Emmaus." I told him I would go and submitted my application. My application was approved and still had 3 weeks to go before the
Things were starting to look up. I thought, hey I believe I've got this drinking problem taken care of. I started to slack off a little on going to meetings and trying to work more to pay for bills but I also started to play a lot of computer games as well. I was working 7 days a week from 8am to 8pm and while at work would goof off half the time playing games. My work hours and gaming increased and my job suffered because of it. I wasn't pulling the jobs that I needed to pull to make a living.
I kept receiving a message from a friend of mine, the same friend from REC, and reminding me about the walk to Emmaus. I made every excuse I could saying that I had to work and couldn't make it. He, or should I say, Christ in him was reminding me that I was meant to go to this walk.
The night before the walk was raining and thundering. I woke up the next morning, the day of the walk, and no one was home. I jumped on the computer to start my work/game playing. The internet was out. What was I to do. That's when God spoke to me and said, why don't you pray and read my word like you said you were going to do during the REC. So, I did. I felt convicted as God spoke to me. He said, "you know I want you to go to this walk." "You, told me you would obey what I asked you to do didn't you?' He reminded me. I said, "Yes Lord, I will go." I made a few phone calls and also told my wife about going. I packed my suitcase for the weekend and went.
All I can say is, WOW!!! What an experience. God has truly opened my eyes to see my err. I reconciled my marriage with my wife. My relationship with my kids are much better. I have normal working hours. For the first time in my life I am letting go and letting God take control of my life. The weekend retreat allowed me to stop and listen to God. It allowed me to seek him in all things. It has made me realize that I matter to him and that he still Loves me.
My wife and I are now back in to going to church. We are reading the bible every day and praying "Together." I am more in love with my wife than I think I have ever been. Now, I have my ups and downs but I am learning daily to rest in God in all I do.
Thank you God for sending such wonderful people in to my life to love me when I couldn't even love myself.
That's me, in a nutshell!!
